Okay girls, I really need some input here on something I am struggling greatly with. One of my friends and I get together once a week with our kids. She has gained quite a bit of weight (as have I) over the course of having babies and in the busy stress of life. As you know, I have started to try my hardest to be more fit and to make more healthy choices when eating. I also do this with my kids. Whenever she and I get together it is usually lunch time. When she comes to my house she always calls and says she is in the drive thru and what do we want? Of course I usually cave in and have her get me and the kids something. The one time I told her that we were going to eat something on our own I think I offended her, especially when she saw that it was something healthier. She spent the whole time just really making awful statements about her weight as she ate the fast food. On days that we go to her house I tell her that we either have already eaten or just don’t want fast food. Unfortunately the choices of food at her house is all the tempting things I refuse to buy now. Corn dogs, tater tots, chips, white bread, cheetoes, sugar/caffeine soda, etc. I eat it to be polite. I have started suggesting getting together later in the day so that we by pass mealtime. That doesn’t work because she is always snacking. One afternoon she showed up at my house with McDonalds sundaes as a treat (she had good intentions to treat us), and last week she asked if I wanted popcorn and I said yes. She popped three bags full of the most delicious kettle corn popcorn covered in salt and sugar and butter! One time she brought out a whole package of Oreos and starting eating right from the pack. I didn’t have any but OH the temptation!! She knows I am dieting and I don’t feel like she is trying to sabatoge me but I also think she feels intimidated that I am trying to become healthy. She gave me bags and bags of her old clothes (very cute by the way!) which were mostly too big for me. I had to give them all away as they were very tempting to me….as I actually began thinking: wouldn’t be so bad if I got bigger-look at all the cute clothes I’d have! Anyway, this person is a dear friend to me, and our kids are best friends. But I don’t have the willpower to wave these once a week temptations infront of me all the time. It is really making things tough on me. I have talked with her about it on a number of occasions, but I really don’t think I am getting through to her. I also feel she is having some issues in her life that make eating a comfort for her (don’t we all??!) and so I don’t want to offend her in that way either as I struggle with that too. But that is why it makes it so hard for me! Dr. Phil would say lose the friend, but I can’t do that. Please help! What should I do??????????
Court, you’ve got a doozy here. My first reaction is to get all ticked off at your friend (my mother hen instincts), but instead I re-read the sabateur section in Dr. Phil’s book. Like he mentions, your friend is probably “not directly frying to harm your weight loss efforts; rather they are trying to protect their own lives and interests.” Take a look again at that section of his Weight Solution book – it offers some good ideas, and you don’t need to get rid of your friend. Here are some of my thoughts:
- Since she makes comments about her struggles with weight, how about inviting her to go on a walk a few times a week? “Hey, I’m looking for a partner to go walking with, would you like to join me a few times a week?”
- Don’t be too nazi on yourself, Court. Perhaps if you know there will be such treats only ONCE a week, plan for it and enjoy it. (If it’s more than that, BE STRONG and continue the strategies you are doing – go to her house later, eat something healthy before you go to her house so you’re full.
- Continue to stick to your guns. If she does offer fast food and you don’t want it, politely decline as you have in the past. I also tend to eat to be polite, but then I have to remember that I’m the only one in charge of my health. How about eating 2 cookies and a big ol glass of water? That way you’re enjoying the treat but getting full with water.
- If this cycle of sabotage continues but you really value her friendship, how about having a one-on-one serious talk with her. I find that it’s easy to pass off difficult topics with friends when there are kids running all over the place, but when I can get some girl-time, it’s a great time to talk about real feelings. You already know that she is struggling with weight and esteem, so maybe this would give you an opportunity to connect on the issue, rather than butting heads.
This is all of course easier said than done, but I know you will make the right decisions. We’re here for you! BE STRONG!